20 April 2010

Bloggity Blog Blog Blog. You have been so neglected. I guess that is what happens when my mind is totally on other things.

I’ve been busy getting used to working again and trying to make sure I don’t bust up my back again in the process. My back has been known to lay me out for 7-20 days from simple actions such as loading paper into a photocopier, yoga, and putting my purse in a drawer. According to the doctor, there is nothing wrong with my back other than the fact that I seem to be amazing adept at straining it. I’ve been working on losing weight, but I tend to take a hiatus every time life throws too many shots at me at one time.

All the food I eat during the stressful times tends to negate the efforts from the mellow times. It has been a big process to try to learn to face life without a crutch. Food is really the last frontier. For the first time in my life, I know I can be successful with losing weight and being MODERATE about food. I’m actually excited about looking different instead of being afraid of it. I know most women are terrified of getting fat, but I’m terrified of not being fat. Being fat is kind of like having a shield of invisibility. Most people simply don’t notice you are there or are so uncomfortable with their own feelings about weight that they pretend you aren’t there. I know this makes a lot of fat folks depressed, but for the last 15 years, it has been a comfort to me. It has been nice to not have to deal with other people. It has been nice to not be approached by douchebags who can’t seem to look at my face when they are trying to hit on me. It has been nice to not care how many calories I ate or if I went to the gym. It has been nice to meet people who don’t particularly see me any different because I’m huge and that I feel safe around.

Lately though, I’m changing. Maybe the last year or so, I’ve started to feel uncomfortable in the fat suit. I’m starting to care about what I’m eating and why. I’m longing to do adventurous things I would have NEVER done before but that I’m afraid to do now just because of my size. I’m seeing the weight as a hindrance instead of my squishy armor that it has always been. Frankly, I’m not scared and depressed all the time anymore. I’m not as jumpy as I used to be. I’m not angry at the world anymore. I don’t hate my fellow man these days. I’m just different. I’m happy for the most part. I think my life is AWESOME and going so well. I want to have more children without the significant health risk of doing that at this size. All the sudden, my fatness has become a liability.

So, I’m slowly working on changing it. I have a master plan. Not just for the body, but for my life. I think I have this life thing figured out finally. I guess that feeling means something unexpected is around the corner, but I still feel like I can handle it. Strong, confident, happy…stuff I always wanted but never thought I would be. I woke up one day and realized that it had happened!