So, Who Wants to Babysit Me?

I went to the back doctor today. He's decided there is nothing wrong with my back so he's not going to give me pain meds. I want to kick this guy in the shins. I realize that there is nothing structurally wrong with my back but just because all the pain is from the "soft tissue" doesn't mean it hurts any less. Pain meds are pretty much the only way I've been able to get out of bed most days. I've done enough physical therapy exercises to kill a horse, but I get to go do another round. I used to walk to school, but that jacked up my foot really bad so I had to stop doing that too. Oh, there's also nothing structurally wrong with my foot.

Now, I know this isn't a newsflash to anyone, but I'm way too fat. Like, so fat the doctors are asking *me* if I have considered getting a gastric bypass. Last I checked, gastric bypass was something people go asking about, not the other way around. For the record, I'm not going to get a damn bypass. It would be useless, plus it would make me look like a walking cadaver. My problem is all mental. Too many days without food in the house, too many days on the streets and too many days being the focus of very unwelcome attention. I know it's my mind screaming for a defense and I'm trying to let it go but every time a few pounds disappear instead of feeling pumped that the efforts are paying off, my brain starts sending me telegrams about its desperate need for chocolate.

I know what to do to get rid of the weight. That is not the problem. What I need is someone to hold my hand and be a big ol' food nazi. Someone to growl at me until I comply. Someone to remind me that my husband is actually quite vicious and would take the limbs off of anyone who dared mess with me these days. Someone to remind me that I'm much more likely to enjoy the positive results of dumping 200 pounds than to suffer the negative parts. Someone to tell me that everyone feels this emotion or that emotion from time to time.

Why do I need this? Because I was doing pretty good this time last year on the losing weight front and then it all got hijacked when I experienced the feeling "shame" for the first time in my entire life. The PTSD therapy is working wonders for my anger problems. I'm actually pretty chill now. Unfortunately, leaving food alone and doing this PTSD therapy left me wide open for unexpected consequences in the form of an emotion I could have lived the rest of my life without feeling. Just that one feeling that one time has got me running for brownies every time I even *think* about trying to lose weight. So, I gained 70 pounds in the last year and I was already way too heavy to begin with. Basically, I'm too chicken to face real feelings and that's what the food is burying.

What in the heck am I going to do?

Caution: Mopey Post Ahead

Do you ever find yourself completely frustrated with yourself? That's what I'm about today. I'm so sick of being in pain most of the time. Well, all of the time. I keep telling myself that I've certainly had worse pain in my life, but it just NEVER stops. I think it's that I never have "good" days anymore and when one part of me starts feeling better, another part starts feeling worse. My entire back has been spasming all night just because I'm stupid and lifted Cyrus' car seat out of the car tonight (with Cyrus in it). I hate feeling helpless. I can't stand having to ask people to help me with my own kids. I wonder if people think I'm a hypochondriac. I try really hard to hide the pain I'm in as much as possible. Let's face it, no one wants to be around someone who complains incessantly about things they cannot change or are unwilling to change. I'm sure a lot of my mom-friends here are going to think I'm nuts for this next part but... I REALLY MISS BEING ABLE TO PROPERLY CLEAN MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!! Not lifting the kids is the worst thing, but not being able to clean is the second worst! I can do a little here and there, but nothing with the floors, can't clean the tub, and the stuff I can do I can only do about 10 minutes at a time.

I know on the grand scale of helplessness goes, I'm not in that bad of a situation. Unfortunately, it appears my interstitial cystitis is coming back. I've been mostly rid of that miserable disease since I was 17 and it has always been my greatest fear that it would return. It's not curable, but I've had the longest remission of symptoms that I've been able to find. Most remissions are just a few months, not 15 years. I'm thankful that have experienced "normal" life but in some ways knowing that life makes the thought of going back to all the pain even worse. So far, the symptoms are mild. They have new drugs I can try. I suppose there is a little hope here but just the idea of going back to the stuff I used to have to deal with has just really got me down. I have to go to Sioux Falls for them to do a test on my bladder to see how bad the situation is after my finals are over. I guess it will be good to know what is really going on. I'm still hoping that if I can get the PTSD taken care of that all the physical pain will go with it. It is hard to ignore the studies that show that intense muscle pain, TMJ, IC, etc (all these diseases that seem to involve locking up the muscles too tight all the time)all tend to travel together and are much more prevalent in people with post-traumatic stress.

The thing with life is that no matter how bad things seem or how good things are, life just keeps on going. Sometimes, I just have to take a day to feel sorry for myself and then pick up and keep going, no matter what. It's that strength and independence that gets me through the bad stuff, but it's also what makes me feel so disconnected from people and wussy when I want to ask for help. It's almost like I'm so busy trying to hide the pain that I pull back from everyone and just focus on pushing myself as hard as I can in the ways that I am able.

The main reason I'm sharing my mopey self today is...well...I'm grumpy! I'm irritable. Kinda like an old, stiff dog. I don't mean to be snippy and oversensitive but that's where I'm at right now. I just hope my friends can survive it and try to keep in perspective that I'm either in pain or hungry when I get unpleasant. I still love you guys, I just don't want to be a whiner. Except on my blog, right? hahaha

It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to!