Do you ever find yourself completely frustrated with yourself? That's what I'm about today. I'm so sick of being in pain most of the time. Well, all of the time. I keep telling myself that I've certainly had worse pain in my life, but it just NEVER stops. I think it's that I never have "good" days anymore and when one part of me starts feeling better, another part starts feeling worse. My entire back has been spasming all night just because I'm stupid and lifted Cyrus' car seat out of the car tonight (with Cyrus in it). I hate feeling helpless. I can't stand having to ask people to help me with my own kids. I wonder if people think I'm a hypochondriac. I try really hard to hide the pain I'm in as much as possible. Let's face it, no one wants to be around someone who complains incessantly about things they cannot change or are unwilling to change. I'm sure a lot of my mom-friends here are going to think I'm nuts for this next part but... I REALLY MISS BEING ABLE TO PROPERLY CLEAN MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!! Not lifting the kids is the worst thing, but not being able to clean is the second worst! I can do a little here and there, but nothing with the floors, can't clean the tub, and the stuff I can do I can only do about 10 minutes at a time.
I know on the grand scale of helplessness goes, I'm not in that bad of a situation. Unfortunately, it appears my interstitial cystitis is coming back. I've been mostly rid of that miserable disease since I was 17 and it has always been my greatest fear that it would return. It's not curable, but I've had the longest remission of symptoms that I've been able to find. Most remissions are just a few months, not 15 years. I'm thankful that have experienced "normal" life but in some ways knowing that life makes the thought of going back to all the pain even worse. So far, the symptoms are mild. They have new drugs I can try. I suppose there is a little hope here but just the idea of going back to the stuff I used to have to deal with has just really got me down. I have to go to Sioux Falls for them to do a test on my bladder to see how bad the situation is after my finals are over. I guess it will be good to know what is really going on. I'm still hoping that if I can get the PTSD taken care of that all the physical pain will go with it. It is hard to ignore the studies that show that intense muscle pain, TMJ, IC, etc (all these diseases that seem to involve locking up the muscles too tight all the time)all tend to travel together and are much more prevalent in people with post-traumatic stress.
The thing with life is that no matter how bad things seem or how good things are, life just keeps on going. Sometimes, I just have to take a day to feel sorry for myself and then pick up and keep going, no matter what. It's that strength and independence that gets me through the bad stuff, but it's also what makes me feel so disconnected from people and wussy when I want to ask for help. It's almost like I'm so busy trying to hide the pain that I pull back from everyone and just focus on pushing myself as hard as I can in the ways that I am able.
The main reason I'm sharing my mopey self today is...well...I'm grumpy! I'm irritable. Kinda like an old, stiff dog. I don't mean to be snippy and oversensitive but that's where I'm at right now. I just hope my friends can survive it and try to keep in perspective that I'm either in pain or hungry when I get unpleasant. I still love you guys, I just don't want to be a whiner. Except on my blog, right? hahaha
It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to!