28 November 2008

I don't normally do this...

...but I'm feeling the urge to post and say that I'm not going eat sugar again until Christmas Eve. Now that I've said it out loud, I guess I have no choice but to keep my word :)

My diet has been out of control lately (read: I've gained 30 pounds in two months) because I'm doing a very, very stressful therapy to treat my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Since the normal vices that people use to bury painful feelings are off limits (ya know, the classics like booze, drugs, bulemia/anorexia and doing the naughty with random strangers), it would appear that I've taken up some serious emotional eating. I actually didn't realize I was an emotional eater until I did Operation Keep Shirt. Going without sugar for a few weeks without gestational diabetes as a motivation was significantly harder than I had expected. I think I might have to consider it an addiction. All I know is that during OKS, I felt a new emotion for the first time in my life and that's what kicked off this compulsive eating thing I have going on now. I don't have this huge range of emotions like most people. I have "happy", "loveybuggy" and a bunch of negative feelings that move quickly into anger and/or tears. When I take the sugar away, there is more feelings there. Now, I know this is healthy and all, but it is very scary to have a new feeling. I guess I'm kind of set in my ways. The thing is that I deeply, deeply want to get rid of the PTSD. I'm sick of being so jumpy/paranoid/testy/unpredictable/gimpy and all the roads seem to lead back to the PTSD.

Anyways, I'm trying to find a middle ground. I might feel like blogging about it, I might not. I just felt like doing it right now.


liz Wessel said...

Thank you for your honest sharing. The work we do on our own issues is the hardest thing to do. It is so much easier to notice what other peoples issues are...and know just what they should do to fix them. Yours is the courageous but scary way; the way of the spiritual warrier. Perhaps you are at a place in your life (strong enough) where you are ready to look at these issues. That sounds like real growth to me and the path of Love.I believe that when we work on ourselves we help others as well. Be kind and gentle with yourself in this fragile time and say only encouraging words. That is what you need to hear.
With Love,

~liz said...

P.S. I really love what you are doing with the site. Very creative! The backgrounds are very cool.

Mandi said...

Hang in there!