13 May 2009

Blah -- Chances are you should just not read this post. Seriously, a little TMI for most of you

Rejeanne stayed up until 2am again. Cyrus is starting to wake up. I couldn't sleep because I completely freaked out that some doctor I barely know will be inching my close to death (general anesthesia) so that some other doctor can poke around my bladder. I'm freaking TERRIFIED that allowing this doctor to poke at my bladder will result in unleashing the IC beast that lurks there quietly right now. At this point, I just feel like I have a bladder infection all the time. This is NOT a big deal for me. It's annoying, but it's no biggie compared to the other pain I get and the bladder pain I had as a kid. I seriously can't bear the thought of IC coming back in full force like it did when I was little. My life used to revolve around bathrooms. My only consolation is that at least I have wireless internet. I could actually work from the bathroom nowdays. I'm sure a few of my friends remember me getting stuck in the bathroom. I tell ya, when you literally live in the bathroom, you start inviting people in! hahaha I remember laying in the bath with the curtain closed and having people hang out in the bathroom with me. If ya can't get Mohammed to the mountain, you bring the mountain to Mohammed, right? I've eaten meals in the bathroom. I've slept in the bathroom. I've stayed in the bathroom for three days straight before. I remember the very first time I had my "bladder problem" (they didn't know what in the heck was wrong with me back then). I was little, probably 3 or 4 years old. I was wearing pink overalls and I had just used the restroom and I was crying because of the pain. My mom got so mad at me because I wouldn't stop screaming and I wouldn't put my overalls back on. I just remember the pain and her buttoning up my overalls telling me to knock it off because she was going to be late to work. I don't think anyone really knew how much pain I was in. People kept thinking it felt like a bladder infection, but I hadn't had bladder infections so I didn't know what they were talking about. When I finally had a bladder infection for the first time, I almost died from it because I didn't know anything was wrong. Compared to IC, bladder infections are "slightly uncomfortable" and really barely even worth calling the doctor about pain-wise. If you take that type of pain, and MULTIPLY it by about 100 or so, you might scratch the surface of average IC pain. Interstitial cystitis is no joke. It's debilitating, unrelenting misery and I really, really don't want it back. I don't mind feeling a little uncomfortable from it, just this mild aching stuff I have now, but I would do just about anything if it would guarantee I could live out the rest of my life without that kind of pain again.

So, everyone just keep your toes crossed for me that this "hydrodistention" of my bladder doesn't make the IC harpy come shrieking back to life. I've known for about 10 years that it will eventually make a comeback. Most people don't even get a 16 year break from it like I have, so I am thankful for that. The flip side of that is that now that I've enjoyed normal life, I know what I was missing before and I don't want to go back to that.

I also hate that this doctor will see the scars of the abuse I dealt with as a child. I always hate the look on their faces. That look of veiled horror and pity. The knowing look because scars tell stories of their own. I really really hate that part especially because they are required by law to ask me about it and the bastard is dead. Maybe I should just start off with that. "Please don't ask me about my damaged urethra. I know it is damaged. I know you will know why. He's dead. Move on." I guess I don't because I always hope they won't notice or maybe just won't say anything. But since this dude is sticking a camera through there while looking around, I'm pretty dang sure if there is any damage still lurking, he'll see it. I wonder if urethras can scar. The first doctor that noticed it referred to it as being "essentially scarred" but it's a little tube so I don't know if that is what it is exactly. I guess I've never cared enough to check. Broken, scarred, damaged, who cares? It's really all the same.

It's 6am now. I'm tired but too freaked to sleep. Since I feel like brutalizing my readers, I'm just going to post this anyways. Good thing my mom can't read this at work anymore. I'm not sure she can handle all the things I keep from her.

1 comment:

Anne Basso said...

I have patients dealing with IC and I wouldn't wish it on anyone! I'll pray that this procedure allows you some comfort and healing, and not more pain.

As for the damage to your urethra, you have my sympathy. My stupid molesters left long term emotional damage that manifested physically from time to time, but not long term physical damage. I know it's not the most charitable thought but I wish all the stupid molesters would go throw themselves off a bridge.